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[Jun. 12th, 2008|12:44 pm] |
Today I'm feeling a bit off. Before you give yourself credit, i'm promising you that It's all me. I havent gone jogging in a bit, and just the thought of the sun is enough to make me blaahhhhhh. Sleeps been hard to find. This is a big warm bed, and in the summer that's the oposite of what I like.
I need an air conditioner.
And I need a day.
Today I want to do something. |
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| time to say.. |
[Jun. 11th, 2008|11:30 pm] |
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There is nothing quite like standing in the rain durring a lightning storm, being told everything you've done wrong.. being told the truth, no matter how shitty it is, and being made to feel like a shitty person (regardless of if that was the intent or not..)
Last night was probably one of my least favorites, and for a while I considered letting go of everything that was said and done. I litterally spent the whole night sitting up in bed debating what my next move would be..
I guess time will tell whether or not this summer is successful, but I can promise you that there will be no more nights like last night. I refuse. And I bet you would too..
I just feel so spent today.. as if I can't really take anything. It might be the fact that I only really got 4 hours of sleep last night.. but i think it goes much deeper than that. It's the series of comments I injested, only to be told the oposite when all was said and done. I supose nobody is really at fault for that..since in the end nothing really got solved anyways.. just sort of watered down. Being forced into a tention filled car will force someone to break the ice. Now I am just stuck on the fence, debating whether we really solved our problems, or just distracted ourselves from the fact that they may have still existed.
Perhaps we are all just tired.
On a lighter note, I got to spend the day with me which was kind of refreshing. No interuptions or distractions.. and I think that it was really good for me.
Then I got bored and visited with Brittany. We made plans to make how to videos and a youtube account. Just a reflection of how cool we are/how many hobbies we dont have in the summer. hahaha.. but really, It'll probably be fun, and funny (even if we are the only ones who laugh) and that's cool with me.
I've find myself completely in love with the TLC show John and Kate plus eight. I bet that means I'm lame, but I can promise you I don't really care. That and Roseanne. I could watch those shows all day. God only knows why. haha
Tomorrow is my seccond day off in a row, and I think it'll drive me nutso. I keep trying to give myself things to do, but I can't think of anything else. Post office, pharmacy, poolside tanning (weather permited),time for onyine talking, perhaps a little JC if we're lucky (though god only knows)..
Whooo knnoowwssss. |
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| People are mature. |
[Jun. 10th, 2008|09:47 pm] |
Ok, so here's the deal, kids.
I wrote an entry about three entries ago.. and I'm sick of LJ already because of it. It wasn't written to piss anyone off, it was written to get shit off my chest. Once again, if you can't handle this, than focus on something else.
Unfortunately, my comment area has turned into a little drama fest, and i'm really starting to find that terribly annoying.
Perhaps this is what I get for being honest, and I guess I should have prepared myself a little bit, because it should have been expected. Sometimes people can't handle the truth, and therefor they react/respond in unfortunate ways.
This isn't a place, however, for namecalling and arguing. If you want to post a comment about something I have written, that is your right. Do not, however, make off color comments about hoping people die, or calling others whores. Despite my feelings about current situations, I find NO humor in your morbid/horrible comments about a mother that helped take care of me growing up. It is unfare to make comments about someone who is in a situation that could potentially be fatal, and although I may be upset with someone, they were my friend for a long time and NOBODY has the right to attack her mother.
I don't find it funny, and the comment will be deleted as soon as i finish this entry.
Once again, this is an only blog, kids.. not a place for you to take out your shit on everyone. |
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| work is work. |
[Jun. 10th, 2008|07:27 pm] |
I like how hard some people try.
Today was the best day at work I've had all summer. There was something really chill and happy about being there today.. and I am now excited as all hell for the weekend, though Carly and John are the only ones who know why.. wink! I'm just going to be OH SO HAPPPPYY.
I don't really have much to say.. but heres a silly conversation I had with my mom today:
Me: I'll probably be picking up more hours in the next week or two because corey and carly are both leaving for vacation.
Mom: Where are they going?
Me: I don't remember where Carly is going, but Corey's going to Paris.
Mom: Paris? God, I hope his plane doesn't get highjacked!
God she's possitive.
hahaha
Time for walmart and silly toys that make me smile. |
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| two. |
[Jun. 10th, 2008|02:55 am] |
Two in one night? This is new.
For the record. I write about me. What I feel, what I think, what I see, hear..whatever. I understand that this is avaiable to all those who chose to read it, but i honestly have had this journal for years and can count the number of people who actually read it on one hand (ill assume). So I write for me. To vent frustrations, anger, hurt..
This is my blog, and I'm allowed to use it as I want.
If you find that unpleasant.. don't read this. That's all I can really say.. Becuase it wasn't intended to be use as form of herassment, or being bitchy. I have it because sometimes I just need a good ventin'. Sometimes I need to speak my mind.
Why not put these feelings into a private journal, you ask?
If i felt content just telling myself everything.. I wouldn't write at all. I'd just keep everything to myself. Unfortunately, I'm not like that. Sorry.
Now my thoughts don't feel wasted.
If that isn't good enough, I apologize. But it's the only explanation I can give.
On another note. It is 3:15AM and I am unable to sleep. After an hours worth of phonecalls, and a conversation that made me happy to be in the place I am, my mind is still wrapping itself around everything. I'm sure soon enough the exhaustion will be enough to knock me on my ass.. but until then I thought i'd write.
Becuase hell, why not?
Best part? I get to work tomorrow. Awesome, i swear. We're currently slow as shit, so our hours of oporation have been super funky. Tomorrow i work open to close.. and yet I'm only working 11-5. At the very least, I'm starting out strong on the schedule, and am only praying that the rain holds off this week.
Jenn needs a full tank of gas.
And money in her bank account so college is allowed to happen. That and a life.
And perhaps some doofey toys.. but only if we're lucky. |
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| veggies in a blender |
[Jun. 9th, 2008|11:31 pm] |
Time to be honest.
My head is jogging in circles becuase while I could care less about what has been going on the past few days, I still have this need to get shit out.. to tell you how it is.. to say, "you know what? you're wrong.".. to say, "fuck you" because right now that feels right.
No matter how wrong it might actually be.
I spent years of my life letting people walk all over me. I was a pushover, and I knew it, but I didn't know how to be different. I couldn't stand on my own two feet alone, and I didn't know how to tell people, honestly, how they made me feel. I find in years of frustration and down right anger in many people, that I'm slowly learning how to tell people things.. though in many cases it's too late.
I was at work last night when Amber called me to scream about how I wasn't a good friend. If only she knew how many times I questioned our friendship over the years, then she'd know the problems weren't all on my shoulders. I'll admit that I stopped trying as hard as I once had. This came from a couple of years of feeling used and abused though, I asure you. There is something wrong when a friend will only call you if things are shitty. Like when they find out someone they love has betrayed them, and they don't know what to do or who to talk to. Perhaps that made me a good person, becuase I didn't think about all the times she had left me in the dust, or all of the times that I had been angry. I thought about the fact that someone was hurting, and needed a friend. So I tried to be there.
Aparently that wasn't enough.
Aparently I have to make ten thousand promises, and show up to every little event, every little moment.. Aparently I have to put someone who didn't really try for a year before someone who actually does care.
Aparently I can't go to college, and I cant have a life.
Aparently I can't have love.
She told me she hoped it was worth it for me. She hoped that going to New York, and having met Brittany, and having gotten close to a couple of people was worth loosing a friendship.
To that I say, It wasn't them, dear. And even if that weren't true, they were completely worth it becuase they helped me realize what it was that I liked in people, and what I liked in life.
I don't like being a pushover, and I don't like being told I'm a bad person, or a bad friend when I honestly don't think that I am. And nothing that was said could really change that. Not her, not her friends.. And I'm happy that I can say that and feel fine in moving on with my life.
As you said, "Just stay gone, it's what you're good at."
And in this case, you were actually right.
So, hopfully without much effort, this summer will be a good one. I finally feel as though I have the people I need in my life, and I'm secure in the decisions that I have made.
And if it's not good with you, then you'll have to deal.. because for once in my life I'm really working on me. |
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| first post of le "summer" |
[May. 16th, 2008|07:00 pm] |
I don't really have any new news, but i thought id write to keep up with this.
New Fish tank tonight.
I need a desk pretty bad.
I think im going to move my room around so that everything will fit in my room with room to spare.
My new bed is really comfy.
Oh. But waking up an hour earlier than you planed because of a stupid lawn mower? Totally not awesome.. or comfy.
Maine is pretty cold, but thats nothing surprising.
I spent the day with Brittany, had lunch with the team and Kaylee yesterday..
First day o' work is Sunday, and im waiting on my hopfully seccond job.
I'm really tired all of a sudden.. bleh..
There is nothing much to do right now but wait for my ipod to charge and write in this blog.
really.. there isn't much to say yet. |
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| Things.. yadda, yadda.. |
[May. 4th, 2008|05:22 pm] |
I just spent a year and a half writing a blog, but when i went to go read it, it made no sense. Thus, i'm writing this new blog, which will hopfully be comprehendable and such.
Lifes good. Finals blow. I lack any motivation to get work done today, and I have a bunch of it that needs to get finnished for tomorrow. A good portion of that is newspaper stuff. Effing ew. Newspaper.
I got dirty today..face arms and all. Pretended to be killing bags for Jesse. Yeah, bags. I like art school sometimes.. when it decides to have me help kids and not write papers.
My life is writing papers, though.
And, my god, my room smells horrible.
It's making me miss home.. and the fact that my house, for the most part, smells good.
And not like a sweet ass vom combo.
BBLLEHHCK.
I'm happy and that counts. |
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| big update? |
[Apr. 12th, 2008|12:59 am] |
I'm currently waiting for this lovely fellow i know to get off of work so i can spend some time with him.
My guppy babies are getting a little bit bigger each day, and none of them have deformaties! yayyy! There has also been zero casualties. Good mum!
Steve sent a supportive email tonight which made me smile a bit. I also talked to my sister about summer and options and life.
I saw this super gangster video on Jenna's phone tonight which made me laugh, and then i saw this super gangster picture that made me laugh even more. Everyone should invest in paper clip, lisence plate necklaces. They're pretty much boss.
I've been writting a lot less, and feeling a lot more. It makes perfect sence.
I could really use some chocolate right now. A lot of it, actually, and warm blankets.
This update wasn't really big at all. |
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| boohoo. |
[Apr. 3rd, 2008|05:10 pm] |
So, i woke up this morning and my mollie, Whitey, was incredibly dead already. Stinky walmart. Anyways, due to this i've decided to go back out tonight and get some new fishies. Maybe a prego guppie or something. Get more for my money? haha
Things are slowly but [hopfully] surely coming together with the newspaper. It's something i'd rather not think about since deadline is so soon, but i have to or else we'll be screwed.
In other news, and completely unrelated to anything else, poligomy (did i spell that wrong?) is a terrible thing unless you are from Utah, or a mormon, or both.
SO ef that. hahaha
Time to go meet with some kids about some papers, and then some snitty about the same.
ew.
Then fish!? |
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